Deep, Dark Secrets

Do you ever feel like the world is just one big, "No!"? Do you ever feel like there is no one out there who wants you to succeed?
Well, I uncovered a deep, dark secret about myself this past week. It is humiliating and has been a source of shame for years. What is this secret? It is the fact that I got a student loan when I was 18 to go to college and have never been able to pay it off. Not only that, I haven't been able to put a dent into it!

To some people, this might not be a big deal, but to me it has been horrible. It has been something I have tried to hide because I am ashamed that I have been unable to understand money for most of my life. This lack of understanding has impacted my self esteem, has made me feel weak, and has made me feel imperfect. Imperfection scares the heck out of me because during my childhood, being imperfect equated to getting viciously psychologically attacked by my over-achieving father about what a loser I am. (Granted, he never paid for my college education and has never offered to help me pay off the debt, so putting myself through college could be considered a victory.)

However, childhood is over now. If those patterns get repeated, then it's because of me not him. So I must move one and get past this drain on my energy.

My mother has a law degree and has worked for the government for years and it took her two hours to figure out what happened with this student loan. It turns out that when I was 18, the bank sent up the loan to never get paid off. They determined ahead of time what the interest would be for 10 years and then the majority of every payment I sent in went to pay this interest. Well, what happens when you only pay interest on a loan? When you only pay the interest on a loan, then the principle balance never gets touched and therefor never goes down. When the principle never goes down, then the interest continues to build up and one is obligated to keep paying and paying.

Gosh, I feel so stupid! I wish I would have understood that when I first signed the papers! But does anyone explain that to an 18 year old? Or is that the point? 18 year olds are easy targets for credit cards and outrageous student loans. So, now I feel like I will never get this thing paid off and it will haunt me and follow me the rest of my life... like being a slave. The best thing I can do now is make sure it never happens to my kids and to work on expanding my mind so I can come up with some way of manifesting the money to buy my freedom.

Money only makes sense to those who are making up the rules. This is why I talk about emotionally detaching from money and not losing our sense of God given perfection in this schizophrenic human world. I let this student loan beat me up my whole life. Now I just have to transform my sense of Self and remember my pristine origins as a powerful spiritual being and manifest myself out of this quagmire.
But I'm still angry about it.